Why do we tell others it’s okay to not be okay but don’t think it’s okay for ourself to not be okay? Why do we tell others it’s okay to break down and have a moment, but we aren’t about to allow ourself? Why is it ok for us to allow others to be wanted and not needed but we can’t imagine that someone might want us and not need us?

I’ve recently been going through some growing pains with a very dear friend. This is someone who is closer to me that anyone ever has been. She probably knows me better than I know myself when it comes to many things. At the root of most of these growing pains is because I don’t feel needed in her life anymore. The issue with that is that I can’t fathom how we can continue to be best friends and her not need me. How can someone just want me in their life and not need me? Is it possible? I want people in my life. I don’t NEED them. At times I do. Generally speaking I need people in my life, but I WANT specific people in my life. I’ve never known what that is like, to just be wanted. I’ve always worked so hard to make myself needed, to go the extra mile, to make sure I had value to ensure my spot at the table. Again, an example of holding ourselves to another standard than we hold others. I would never cut someone from my life because they had nothing to offer, but yet I feel that someone would do that to me.

I often will randomly ask my friend “what are you thinking” when we are sitting quietly. When I ask, I truly want to know what they are thinking. No matter how dark, twisted, crazy, far-fetched, or whatever it is. I truly want to know their inner most thoughts. No judgement. I think it’s the best conversations. I thoroughly enjoy it. Yet when the question is reciprocated, I often deflect or half answer. Why? Judgement. Because I don’t think my friend really wants to know. A different standard. Do I really think deep in my heart my friend will judge? Nope. Do I think she wants to know? Yes.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we believe that others would want the same from and for us that we want for and from them? Why can’t we believe someone could want us and not need us? Why can’t we believe someone could just love us with no strings attached? Even if all we had to give was ourself? That somehow it would be enough? Why are we so hard on ourself and so easy on others when we usually deserve the break the most?

Be in the moment. It’s that simple. Whatever the moment it is, be in it. All the way in it. There is nothing worse than spending time with someone who is not in the moment. Have you ever spent time with someone who was on their phone the entire time or is otherwise preoccupied? It stinks. It especially stinks when you know they show someone else the respect, but they can’t bother to show you the same. It makes you feel unworthy. Like you aren’t enough. They don’t enjoy your company enough or you’re boring them. If this is the case then simply don’t spend time with them. I promise you they’d rather you just skip out than act like it’s an inconvenience or you’d rather be somewhere else. Perspective is everything. You can say anything you want, but your actions is what speak to another’s heart. How are you being perceived?

Home—I’m sure many things came to mind when you think of “home”. Some probably think of where they lay their head at night or think of people. Yet others think of where they grew up. Maybe it was a time, a feeling, a certain place in time you thought of. Maybe you thought of multiple things. Homeless—most likely one thing came to mind. Those living in shelters or tents. Those without a physical home to sleep in at night. That is what I always thought of, until recently. I have a family. I have a warm, cozy house I go home to every night. I have a place where I grew up that I can go back to visit. However, I feel homeless. For me, home is a feeling. It’s a feeling of security and comfort. A feeling of belonging and being wanted. A place you get homesick for and you know exactly where you need to go cure that sickness. I have that sickness and I can’t cure it. I don’t know where home is anymore. I go back to where I grew up and I feel like an outsider. I visit with my closest friends and I feel far away from them. Where do you go when no place feels like home and you are homesick? How do you cure the sickness? Where do you go?

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.