Rambling thoughts

My mind is jumbled tonight. This week, this month, this year has been a mess, but especially this week. So many things are going through my head. Depression and anxiety are the hardest two things to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced them. You wish people could understand, but you are glad they don’t because you know the only way for them to truly understand would mean they have experienced it and you wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Depression and anxiety are wars in which I know I cannot win. I will never win the war so long ago I accepted that I will face each battle and win them instead. The problem comes in that I am now facing a battle in which I no longer feel I can win. I wonder if it’s time to wave the white flag, dance on the moon, and wait for everyone on the other side of the stars. I feel I’m in the battle of my life and I look around and I’m alone. No one fighting beside me. I’ve pushed them away. For when they said I love you more, they put limits on it. I love you more, but only so much more. I love you more than X bad days, more than X arguments, more than X. The difference is when I said I love you more to anyone it was and is without limits. You can only give 10% in our relationship, ok I’ll give the other 90%. That’s why it works. When you can’t give, I pick up the slack. When I can’t give, you pick up the slack. Then they get tired of picking up the slack, they can’t fight the battle with you. You’re left to put on this fake front and use every ounce of energy you have left to pretend you aren’t fighting a battle to give what you can give so they don’t leave and it drains you even more. There is no winning the fucking battle. There is no solution. Why don’t I wave the flag? Why?, because I have my little positive Polly sending me “good morning warrior” and “I love you warrior”. I’m no damn warrior. I’m a coward. A warrior wouldn’t want to wave the white flag. A warrior wouldn’t need someone to fight the battle and pick up the slack. Scars mean you fought. It means you healed. It means you survived. I don’t think there will be a scar this time.